Jul 21 2041: Bears announce "I'm Gonna Get a Burger" Night - by buffmckagan on July 11th, 2019
SCRANTON — IT’S B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BURGER TIME IN SCRANTON!!!!!!!
Star pitcher “Big Dick” Curran shocked the baseball world when he lost a perfect game in the top of the ninth against the Brownsville Bulldogs by giving up a walk, and was able to overcome the call to finish with a no-hitter. Nonetheless, team officials say they're fed up with umpiring -- and are using fans to voice their displeasure at the result.
The team announces it will sell its concession stand burgers at half-price at his next home start on July 26th to commemorate the performance on the mound.
Concession officials promise you will intentionally be served a burger cooked so poorly you either get a raw patty that’s still bleeding so badly, it’ll ruin your team jersey; or overcook your meat so badly it’ll break your teeth off.
The team will pass the butthurt onto you by pulling all other food options for the entirety of the game, with the only drinks flat beer and sodas and water that’s sat out in the sun all day.
Fans are encouraged to show their displeasure with Big Dick’s disappointing finish by harassing the home plate empire, and hissing and booing at anything that’s not a strike right down the middle.
"First, he's prevented from going to the All-Star Game for the umpteenth time, and now this??" owner buffmckagan said during a postgame Twitter tirade. "When I said Big Dick would get a**, I meant the love of a woman, not god awful umpiring!"
buffmckagan is expected to serve a three-game suspension on Aug. 3-5.
May 10 2039: Bears, Roberts part ways after 15+ years - by buffmckagan on January 20th, 2019
SCRANTON — The Scranton Bears and longtime manager Billy Bob Roberts have mutually agreed to part ways.
In a release, the team thanked Roberts for his hard work, calling him "the greatest leader our team has known."
He had been on the hot seat for the past two years, as fans called for his firing after being relegated after the 2037 season, but management backed him nonetheless. Privately, the ownership group met with other managers on a casual basis, but no hire was made.
A manager known for dealing best with pitchers, three starters had ERA flirting with or greatly exceeding 6.00. The team also announced it was cutting longtime ace Young Nam Park, best known for his Cy Young-winning season in 2033.
Roberts went 1,315-1,114 in his 15+ years with the team, winning two league titles and four divisional pennants.
A.J. Tackett will take over the team on an immediate, full-time basis, as the team looks to continue its retooling.
Sep 08 2032: Bruzzone hits 300th career homer in 3-2 loss - by buffmckagan on July 5th, 2017
Jun 27 2032: Bears whip out "Big Dick" for the first time - by buffmckagan on June 16th, 2017
SCRANTON — The Scranton Bears had a hole in the starting rotation after perennial starter Casey Peck went down with a torn labrum. They knew the right way to fill it.
The team called up "Big Dick" Curran Thursday, who said he was "ready to rise to the occasion."
Scranton went on to defeat the Apple Valley Raccoons, 5-4, but "Big Dick" was unable to finish in his first time, throwing for 8 1/3 innings. He gave up 7 hits, 4 earned runs; walking 6 batters, and striking out five. It ended up being an ND for the BD.
"I was pleased with Big Dick's performance," manager Billy Bob Roberts said. "I was hoping he could finish, but as long as the team's happy, that's what matters.
"I had some great protection," Curran said. "My teammates made sure as little got out as possible."
He had a packed stadium in his debut, as a sold-out crowd of 37,500 attended the game.
The team plans to put him away after Peck's return from the DL, with plans to fully keep it out starting in 2033.
Mar 08 2032: Scranton SP Lebedev cleared of spying allegations - by buffmckagan on May 16th, 2017
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Scranton Bears' first-year starter Dmitry Lebedev has been cleared of any wrongdoing with the American government, officials said Tuesday.
A native of Moscow, Russia, the 2025 Bears' first-round pick met with the press earlier that night to discuss the allegations he faced. After multiple cyberattacks in the United States and France at the hands of his home country, the southpaw was rumored to be in on the plans.
Lebedev said his distance from Washington, D.C. and his desire to contribute to the Bears' starting rotation were two alibis proving his innocence.
"The only hacking I want to see happen this year is by batters as a result of my pitching," Lebedev joked. "I love to play baseball and would not want to throw away my hard work to something as bad as this."
Sources around the league said Lebedev met with Scranton ownership and with the Broken Bat commissioner's office, who sent out a memo to the league maintaining Lebedev's innocence.
Lebedev is expected to make his major league debut in the Cup later this month.