Yorba Linda Scorpions
Team: Yorba Linda Scorpions [ID #697]
Yorba Linda, CA (West)
[since January 23rd 2014 | last seen August 23rd 2019]
Rank: #402 - Rating: 88.66
Red & Gold
Mar 10 2042: Nathaniel Ely
was signed as a free agent.
Jan 15 2042: Aarón Velázquez
was selected to the national team of Argentina
Nov 04 2041: Matt O`Neill
was named the Rookie Pitcher of the Year.
Jul 14 2041: Hank Stanley
was claimed off of waivers.
Jul 07 2041: Clifford Rupp
was claimed off of waivers.
Jul 02 2041: Greyson Peck
Jun 08 2041: Greyson Peck
was claimed off of waivers.
May 14 2041: Nathaniel Ely
May 10 2041: Harold Becker
May 06 2041: Cecil Condon
Wins: 0 Losses: 0 Pct: .000 Last10: 0-0 Streak: -
Ave: 0.0 - 0.0 RS: 0 RA: 0 DIFF: 0
[0 | Still Alive]
Aug 09 2026: Scorpions Shocker on Dr. Phil Show
- by RodneyDeCroo on March 15th, 2016
It's been a rough week for the Yorba Linda Scorpions and their manager Aramis "Swell Guy" Velez.
After grinding the Ames Broncos into dog food during a five game sweep the Scorpions were feeling on top of the world prior to their upcoming series against hated rivals the Pensacola Hippos.
That all changed after the team's live appearance for PTSD treatment on a special episode of the Dr. Phil Show originally billed as THE PENSACOLA MASSACRE in reference to the Pensacola Yard Independence Day debacle resulting in the permanent disfigurement of Aramis' daughter Tila Velez.
However, as the opening credits to the show rolled Scorpions' fans were alerted by a new title "What Happens in the Shadows" that something unexpected was about happen. That "something" was an "intervention" staged by Dr. Phil and Scorpions' players into Velez's shadowy private life.
Despite his reputation as a strait-laced, conservative baseball traditionalist and family man, it turns out Aramis has been leading a secret life. Pictures recently released to the media by Milo Metalbat revealed Velez in a California massage parlor wearing nothing but a studded dog collar snorting crystal meth off the buttocks of a young male prostitute with his former pastor, the disgraced evangelical minister Ted Haggard.
Initially, when presented with these photos on air by Dr. Phil, Velez claimed that they were fakes created by the Hippos Milo Metalbat until Scorpion's all star catcher John James began to weep and confessed that he'd also attended Spartacus themed meth parties with Velez and Haggard as well.
Velez has agreed to enter the Betty Ford Clinic at the end of the season. Until that time he has vowed to refrain from using crystal meth and to have no contact with Ted Haggard or any of his "Roman" friends. The show ended with a close up of Velez's tear stained, contorted face as he muttered "El Diablo" repeatedly while punching himself in the groin.
On a side note, Velez announced at the Scorpion's press conference before their upcoming series with the Hippos, that he has dropped his lawsuit against Milo Metalbat for $175 million and lifetime free massages. When asked why by a reporter from the Yorba Linda Free Press Velez crossed himself and said in a strangely affected voice:
"This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."
When it was pointed out by the reporter that maybe Velez's new found piety had more to do with allegations that Milo Metalbat was threatening to release pictures involving Scorpions' and Hippos' players, Tila Velez and a inebriated donkey, Velez merely giggled and replied "I don't believe in unicorns." before Scorpions slugger Joseph Day escorted him from the room effectively ending the press conference.
The Scorpions front office has confirmed that tickets for their upcoming series with the Hippos are selling rapidly. They also announced that they'll be giving away free Ted Haggard bobble head dolls to every fan who makes a contribution to the Betty Ford Clinic. It promises to be an exciting week.
Jul 12 2026: Scorpions to Launch Class Action Suit Against Hippos
- by RodneyDeCroo on March 8th, 2016
Reporters tend to be a cynical lot, but there were gasps from the press corps when Scorpions manager Aramis “Swell Guy” Velez pushed a wheelchair containing the bandaged body of his daughter Tila Velez into the Scorpions’ press conference.
“Pensacola was a goddamn war zone! sobbed Velez. That head case Quaid crashed his plane into my lovely daughter Tila. She’s going to be permanently disfigured from the burns she suffered. We’re suing the entire Hippos organization and Randy Quaid for 175 million dollars and lifetime free massages for myself.”
When asked about their upcoming series with Milford, Velez opined that it was going to be difficult for the Scorpions to stay focused.
“I think the entire team is suffering from PTSD. Fortunately Dr. Phil has offered therapy to the whole club due to air as a special three hour episode called PENNSACOLA INDEPENDENCE DAY MASSACRE."
When it was pointed out by a reporter from the Yorba Linda Times that the Scorpions easily took four out of five games against the Hippos Velez asked what he was implying.
“It seems maybe you’re blowing this whole thing up for litigious reasons.” replied the reporter.
“THE ONLY THING I INTEND TO BLOW UP IS MILO’S MASSAGE PARLORS IF HE DOESN'T MEET OUR DEMANDS shouted Velez as he rammed Tila’s wheelchair into the shins of the reporter.
Velez’s actions sparked a melee resulting in the arrests of Scorpions SS Harry Hunt, base stealing specialist Dennis Song and Cy Young ace Carl Wagner for attacking the press with nunchuks, throwing stars and a smoked turkey sausage.
Jun 25 2026: Scorpions Skipper Wants Pensecola Circus Shut Down!
- by RodneyDeCroo on March 4th, 2016
It's no secret that Scorpions manager Aramis" Swell Guy" Velez is a baseball traditionalist, so his outraged comments concerning the Pensecola Hippos recent antics didn't shock anyone.
"Listen, that lunatic Milo Metalbat needs to shut down the circus and get back to fielding a baseball club." shouted an enraged Velez. " That pimp- I mean let's not mince words, he owns a massage parlor- is a disgrace to the game. What his club did to former legends all-star Bruzzone was unacceptable. FOR CHRIST SAKE! shrieked Velez THEY FROZE THE POOR BASTARD. HE WAS JUST IN A BIT OF A SLUMP!!"
An anonymous member of the Scorpions front office has suggested however, that it's not simply a matter of baseball decorum. There are rumors that Velez's daughter Tila "Tequila" Velez - a reformed sex addict and former baseball groupie- had recently become engaged to Bruzzone after meeting him at a The Wild Steer, a well known Yorba Linda watering hole and singles club. Speculations are that Bruzzone's hefty 7 million dollar contract was part of the attraction.
"Listen, her dad put up a lot of money for her dog walking business POOCH! POOCH! in an effort to help Tina turn her life around. It was his name on the papers, so when the cops shut Tina down for running a puppy mill and iguana fight club with former Eagles QB Michael Vick, Velez filed for bankruptcy." said the anonymous source.
"She's a gold digger, but she was just trying to pay back her dad. He's a devoted father. Getting her hands on Bruzzone dough would have helped out her dad a lot , but now B-man's salary is on ice so to speak." was also the considered opinion of the Scorpion's recently fired 46 year old batboy Tugs Worsley.
When the question of Tila's alleged engagement was put to Velez he grabbed a bat and smashed a water cooler while bellowing WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MOM AND APPLE PIE!!
Velez went on to tell reporters he was looking forward to their upcoming Independence Day series with the Hippos. We're going to thrash those bastards. No gimmicks. Just good old fashioned baseball. It's no accident this series will start on July 4th. We're going to restore all that's good and decent about America's game by humiliating those Hippos. GODDAMN IT, HIPPOS AREN'T EVEN AMERICAN!! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE!! NOT IN AMERICA!! NOT UNLESS IT WAS IN A GODDAMN CIRCUS!!
Aug 29 2023: Raccoons Release Four Time All-Star Pitcher Joel Graham
- by RodneyDeCroo on August 3rd, 2015
The Applewood Lake Raccons released 4 time all star pitcher Joel Graham this Friday after he was arrested for drinking and driving following a poor outing against the Corona Spartans.
Known for his pin point control Graham set a Raccoon season record by pitching 11 complete games in the 2019 season, but was struggling this year with diminished velocity and fatigue. Manager Patrick "Mad Dog" Smith said that while they were concerned about Graham's recent struggles with alcohol, it was not deciding factor in his release.
"We're 14 games behind the Pirates, so it's time for us to start thinking about the future of this organization. Joel has been an important member of this club for several years but he's at the end of his career. We had hoped he would be able to help us contend this season, but that hasn't been the case. We hope that he can dedicate this time to recovery and making the transition to life off the field. We wish him nothing but the best and offer our full support. We have the utmost confidence in him."
When asked if Graham might be offered a coaching position with the club Smith replied "My focus is on trimming our payroll and creating opportunities for some of our younger pitchers to get some innings under their belts. They can use the experience and we can see what we have in them. We believe we can contend next season, but we have some questions about the back end of our rotation and our bullpen. That's what I'm thinking about these days."
Graham skipped the press conference called by the team to announce his release. As he was ducking out of the clubhouse this reporter asked him how he felt about the team's decision.
"They can do whatever the f#*k they want. We're just slabs of meat to them. They don't have any loyalty to us as players or people. To hell with them. If you want to ask me any more questions you'll have to meet me at Trapper Jack's and buy a round or two. Now get out of my way."