Aug 19 2047: Empty Holsters, No Ammunition - by metalbat13 on October 22nd, 2020
It appears that the real-life NFC East (Cowboys, Eagles, Giants, Washington) has a fantasy rival as the "Worst Division in Pro Sports."
Believe it or not, the sorry, saddle-less six-pack of squads in the Western Division of BB IV.6 racked up an embarrassing inter-conference record of 140-220 (negative 80) versus their Eastern Division counterparts this year. Yes, folks, that equates to just 39% wins in 360 crossover contests. And, with less than 1/3 of the season remaining, only two West teams are able to boast a record on the plus side of .500.
"Holy Hands-on Horndogs! exclaimed Atlantic City owner and GM, Milo Metalbat. "Instead of being mired in fifth place in the East, 16 games out of first, we'd be in second place in the West, just four games from the division lead. I believe that my Broadwalkers are being unfairly persecuted because I voted for Donald Trump, Stormy Daniels, and a rabid badger in the last election!"
Metalbat claimed that the Western Division was "Putrid" this season, due to the fact that it contained too many "Pee" teams (Plano, Puyallup, and Parma), and therefore "smelled like the men's restroom in the Greyhound bus terminal in Reno."
"Personally, I believe that at least half of the ballclubs in that division are run by twin brothers or twin sisters of Nancy Pelosi, Vladimir Putin, and Wolfgang Puck!" concluded the outspoken New Jersey massage parlor and adult entertainment magnate.
Mar 10 2047: Bacon Fried by Broadwalkers - by metalbat13 on September 8th, 2020
Rookie Southaven (MS) hurler Sidney Bacon surrendered 23 hits and 20 runs (16 earned) in a 24-1 thrashing by the Atlantic City Broadwalkers this afternoon. The 22-year-old Patriot lefthander tossed 156 pitches in six innings, and now sports a 19.29 ERA in three spring training contests.
"It was uglier than the aftermath of this year's Sturgis, SD, Motorcycle Rally!" exclaimed AC owner Milo Metalbat. "If Southaven ever decides to release Mr. Bacon, we'll be more than happy to hire him to throw daily batting practice!"
Jul 21 2043: Too Late for Cosmetic Surgery? - by metalbat13 on December 12th, 2019
How bad has the 2043 season been for Atlantic City? Answer: worse than 2019 has been for Donald Trump.
At the half-way point, Milo Metalbat's Broadwalkers are mired in last place in the Eastern Division of League II.2, and the majority of the aging roster looks like it has spent too many hours in a cut-rate Botox booth operated by Janet Jackson.
Just one member of the squad (34 year-old closer Lincoln Knight) was selected for the eastern all-star team. In a not-exactly-unexpected development, Knight ended up as the losing pitcher in the Easterners' 2-1 all-star game defeat. Prior to the contest, the AC hurler had not thrown more than one full inning in any appearance for the Broadwalkers this year. Nevertheless, East special guest manager Hue Jackson (3-36 football coaching record with the Cleveland Browns, and no relation to Janet Jackson) forced Knight to labor through three complete innings, in which the veteran reliever eventually surrendered the tying and winning runs.
"What can I say?" reflected Metalbat. "Every day is like Friday the 13th under a full moon! Even full-body massages at my adult establishments don't seem to help these guys. Heck, during a July 4 home game against Dayton, I gave away a free $10 sportsbetting ticket to every adult fan in attendance. Ninety percent of the recipients placed a wager on the visiting Hawks, who pummeled my broken-down losers, 7-0."
Jan 15 2042: Little League to Big League? - by metalbat13 on August 12th, 2019
This afternoon Milo Metalbat was fined 69 cases of Bud Light and suspended from the entire 2042 spring training slate. Commissioner Steve Muller penalized Milo after learning that the notorious Atlantic City GM/owner had placed illegal waiver claims on the entire starting lineup of the Elmora Troopers, the Mid-Atlantic Little League champions from nearby Elizabeth, New Jersey (located just 100 miles north of AC).
Elmora snagged a trip to this year's Little League World Series in Williamsport by pasting New York, 19-4, in the regional title contest on Saturday.
"The Broadwalkers are aging fast," explained Metalbat. "We're now one of the oldest teams in League II.2. Faced with the prospect of being pummeled by recently demoted Legends clubs like the Novi Doubledays and Allen '54 Chevy, we need to immediately inject some young blood into our current roster."
The Commish countered that it would be "severely detrimental to the clean-cut image of Broken Bat Baseball" to permit the Broadwalkers to sign the youngsters.
"We can not let a bunch of impressionable 12-year-olds ink professional contracts with the proprietor of a string of casinos, massage parlors, and other questionable adult entertainment enterprises!" stated Commissioner Steve. "This would be even worse than allowing them to be sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds, like the kids in the Bad News Bears flicks!"
Nov 04 2040: Costly La Cucaracha Dance Dooms Cucamonga - by metalbat13 on May 24th, 2019
Atlantic City copped Game 7 of the 2040 League III.4 World Series when Rancho Cucamonga first sacker Bennie "Jet Crash" Ramsey decided to imitate his real-life idol, Bill Buckner. With RC leading 4-2 in the top of the ninth, the visitors from New Jersey loaded the bases with two outs. Arthur "The King" Goddard then tapped an easy dribbler down the baseline to Ramsey, for the apparent game-ender. As 38,500 crazed Californians in attendance began to prematurely celebrate, Ramsey suddenly began jumping around spasmodically just as the ball approached his mitt. The bouncing baseball smacked the off-balance defender in the groin, and then sailed into right field. Ramsey's costly error opened the boardwalk for the Broadwalkers, who eventually tallied five runs, and triumphed, 7-4.
"Bennie claimed that some unknown critter crawled into his jock strap and bit him in the nether region," grunted Rancho GM Noodle. "However, I don't care if he got attacked by a monstrous Mexican cucaracha, an anemic American palmetto bug, or Flea and the other three current members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He still should have made the play!"
Following the contest, Ramsey was placed on the ten-day disabled list for "a contusion to his middle leg." After hitting just .100 in the seven games versus AC, the infielder also received the series "Least Valuable Player Award," the not-so-coveted "Fifty Cent Love Glove Trophy," and a certificate good for free lifetime hot-oil finger massages at any of Milo Metalbat's adults-only health spas.