Nov 04 2040: Costly La Cucaracha Dance Dooms Cucamonga - by metalbat13 on May 24th, 2019
Atlantic City copped Game 7 of the 2040 League III.4 World Series when Rancho Cucamonga first sacker Bennie "Jet Crash" Ramsey decided to imitate his real-life idol, Bill Buckner. With RC leading 4-2 in the top of the ninth, the visitors from New Jersey loaded the bases with two outs. Arthur "The King" Goddard then tapped an easy dribbler down the baseline to Ramsey, for the apparent game-ender. As 38,500 crazed Californians in attendance began to prematurely celebrate, Ramsey suddenly began jumping around spasmodically just as the ball approached his mitt. The bouncing baseball smacked the off-balance defender in the groin, and then sailed into right field. Ramsey's costly error opened the boardwalk for the Broadwalkers, who eventually tallied five runs, and triumphed, 7-4.
"Bennie claimed that some unknown critter crawled into his jock strap and bit him in the nether region," grunted Rancho GM Noodle. "However, I don't care if he got attacked by a monstrous Mexican cucaracha, an anemic American palmetto bug, or Flea and the other three current members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He still should have made the play!"
Following the contest, Ramsey was placed on the ten-day disabled list for "a contusion to his middle leg." After hitting just .100 in the seven games versus AC, the infielder also received the series "Least Valuable Player Award," the not-so-coveted "Fifty Cent Love Glove Trophy," and a certificate good for free lifetime hot-oil finger massages at any of Milo Metalbat's adults-only health spas.
Jun 09 2040: Early Shower, No April Flowers for Milo Metalbat - by metalbat13 on April 15th, 2019
In a highly "questionable" BB Cup scheduling matchup, Atlantic City was, for the second year in a row, forced to play a road series with the Dayton Hawks at their decrepit ballpark located directly adjacent to the Greater Ohio Waste Management Facility. Unfortunately, the Broadwalkers neglected to adequately equip themselves with sufficient numbers of SCBA (Self Contained Breathing Apparatus).
"It was an extremely ugly and odoriferous encounter!" growled AC owner and GM, Milo Metalbat. "We were eliminated from further competition when relief pitcher Bill Harper, gasping for a sniff of clean air, surrendered a walk-off gopher ball to Christian Casanova in the bottom of the ninth inning.
In addition, Milo's entire ballclub was intimidated by a collection of cantankerous cassowaries brought into the park by Dayton GM Gully Foyle to provide "extra security" for the seamy and less-than-silken series. Described by many avian experts as "the world's most dangerous bird," an adult cassowary can reach six feet in height and possess "dagger-like" claws that are four inches long.
Following the defeat, the always-colorful Metalbat lamented, "I always thought that a cassowary was one of those seven shipwrecked idiots stranded on Gilligan's Isle!"
Sep 21 2039: Dingers and Day Spas - by metalbat13 on February 24th, 2019
Broadwalker owner and GM Milo Metalbat did not offer much sympathy to New England Patriot billionaire Robert Kraft. As the entire country knows by now, Kraft was cited for engaging in "lewd and illicit activity" and "solicitation" at the Orchids of Asia Day Spa in Jupiter, Florida.
"Heck, my full-body massage parlors and adult entertainment centers in Atlantic City are a lot closer to Foxboro than some sleazy back-door strip mall location in the so-called Sunshine State!" observed Metalbat. "And we would have given Robert much better service at a lower price. I would even have thrown in freebies for Tom Brady and Gronk. All interested Broken Bat executives and players are always welcome at my chain of totally discreet Pleasure Palace establishments. Remember our motto: WHAT HAPPENS AT MILO'S STAYS AT MILO'S!"
May 31 2039: Bee Boppers and Spaced Out Space Invaders - by metalbat13 on January 25th, 2019
The Commerce City (CO) Night Bees utilized their other-worldly offense to eliminate the Atlantic City Broadwalkers from the BB Cup, two games to one. In a bizarre series featuring a combined 57 runs scored, 72 base hits, and 17 home runs by the pair of acerbic and adversely addlepated adversaries, AC owner Milo Metalbat finally met another GM who is probably just as strange as he is.
“The Commerce City Crew Chief, a self-proclaimed whacked-out interplanetary escapee from Project Blue Book, calls himself ALIEN FETUS,” stated Metalbat. “Although personally, I think he looks more like Deputy FESTUS on those old Gunsmoke reruns on MeTV. And his team logo resembles some psychotic kid’s drawing depicted in a flashback episode of the X-FILES.”
According to the bombastic head Broadwalker, Night Bee manager Roman Nash (aka “Judas”) first tried to induce the AC front office to throw the series by offering Milo “30 silver Congressional challenge coins, commemorating the 2019 Government Shutdown,” and “a piece of reflective fabric from a 1947 weather balloon recovered near Roswell, NM.” When this rather lame attempt at bribery failed, Judas and Mr. Fetus unveiled a suspicious saucer-shaped device concealed in a large box of Honey Nut Cheerios. The ghoulish gizmo apparently caused baseballs to fly out of the stadium like a fleet of ubiquitous UFOs from the planet Uranus
“I knew that I should have hired local exterminators to spray the entire visiting team dugout with 69 gallons of DDT and Black Flag!” grunted Metalbat.
Apr 20 2039: No More Dugout Dancing for Danny Lewis? - by metalbat13 on January 14th, 2019
Long-time manager Dancin' Danny Lewis was discovered lying unconscious last Saturday morning at the Double Play Club, a local adult entertainment enterprise owned by Atlantic City GM, Milo Metalbat.
Prior to directing the Broadwalkers for the past 13 years, the 71-year-old Lewis gained notoriety (as well as his nickname) for appearing in Las Vegas as the "World's Oldest Chippendale." He also led the women's softball team from the Palms Resort to the 2025 championship of the Clark County Lingerie League.
Compiling a brilliant 1243-851 (.594) record with just two losing seasons during his time in Atlantic City, Lewis is the author of a self-help book for aspiring pro players, titled "Erotic Hip Movement Exercises for a Better Batting Average." Unfortunately, Dancin' Danny had recently experienced multiple health issues.
"Our Broadwalker boss man had serious knee and back problems; last year he also tore his rotator cuff and could no longer throw batting practice," stated catcher Clyde Hatch. "Heck, whenever he limped into a bar after a game, he even had a tough time lifting a beer pitcher or a full shot glass!"
According to EMTs and other emergency responders, Danny ill-advisedly tried to show his team on Saturday that he was still "nimble." While attempting to imitate the pole-prancing fat guy in those Duluth Buck Naked Underwear television commercials, the septuagenarian took a severe nose dive. He remains in a coma at Our Lady of Jersey State Lotteries Hospital in Newark.
Lewis was replaced on an interim basis by 55 year-old Jose "Zumba" Zambrano, former skipper of the Missoula Polar Bears. Zambrano gained notoriety, as well as a $500,000 fine, after forcing Missoula players to practice in deep snow and 25-degree weather conditions during mandatory off-season workouts in Yellowstone Park, while only wearing jock straps and non-sanitary hose.