May 31 2039: Bee Boppers and Spaced Out Space Invaders - by metalbat13 on January 25th, 2019
The Commerce City (CO) Night Bees utilized their other-worldly offense to eliminate the Atlantic City Broadwalkers from the BB Cup, two games to one. In a bizarre series featuring a combined 57 runs scored, 72 base hits, and 17 home runs by the pair of acerbic and adversely addlepated adversaries, AC owner Milo Metalbat finally met another GM who is probably just as strange as he is.
“The Commerce City Crew Chief, a self-proclaimed whacked-out interplanetary escapee from Project Blue Book, calls himself ALIEN FETUS,” stated Metalbat. “Although personally, I think he looks more like Deputy FESTUS on those old Gunsmoke reruns on MeTV. And his team logo resembles some psychotic kid’s drawing depicted in a flashback episode of the X-FILES.”
According to the bombastic head Broadwalker, Night Bee manager Roman Nash (aka “Judas”) first tried to induce the AC front office to throw the series by offering Milo “30 silver Congressional challenge coins, commemorating the 2019 Government Shutdown,” and “a piece of reflective fabric from a 1947 weather balloon recovered near Roswell, NM.” When this rather lame attempt at bribery failed, Judas and Mr. Fetus unveiled a suspicious saucer-shaped device concealed in a large box of Honey Nut Cheerios. The ghoulish gizmo apparently caused baseballs to fly out of the stadium like a fleet of ubiquitous UFOs from the planet Uranus
“I knew that I should have hired local exterminators to spray the entire visiting team dugout with 69 gallons of DDT and Black Flag!” grunted Metalbat.
Apr 20 2039: No More Dugout Dancing for Danny Lewis? - by metalbat13 on January 14th, 2019
Long-time manager Dancin' Danny Lewis was discovered lying unconscious last Saturday morning at the Double Play Club, a local adult entertainment enterprise owned by Atlantic City GM, Milo Metalbat.
Prior to directing the Broadwalkers for the past 13 years, the 71-year-old Lewis gained notoriety (as well as his nickname) for appearing in Las Vegas as the "World's Oldest Chippendale." He also led the women's softball team from the Palms Resort to the 2025 championship of the Clark County Lingerie League.
Compiling a brilliant 1243-851 (.594) record with just two losing seasons during his time in Atlantic City, Lewis is the author of a self-help book for aspiring pro players, titled "Erotic Hip Movement Exercises for a Better Batting Average." Unfortunately, Dancin' Danny had recently experienced multiple health issues.
"Our Broadwalker boss man had serious knee and back problems; last year he also tore his rotator cuff and could no longer throw batting practice," stated catcher Clyde Hatch. "Heck, whenever he limped into a bar after a game, he even had a tough time lifting a beer pitcher or a full shot glass!"
According to EMTs and other emergency responders, Danny ill-advisedly tried to show his team on Saturday that he was still "nimble." While attempting to imitate the pole-prancing fat guy in those Duluth Buck Naked Underwear television commercials, the septuagenarian took a severe nose dive. He remains in a coma at Our Lady of Jersey State Lotteries Hospital in Newark.
Lewis was replaced on an interim basis by 55 year-old Jose "Zumba" Zambrano, former skipper of the Missoula Polar Bears. Zambrano gained notoriety, as well as a $500,000 fine, after forcing Missoula players to practice in deep snow and 25-degree weather conditions during mandatory off-season workouts in Yellowstone Park, while only wearing jock straps and non-sanitary hose.
Aug 04 2037: Milo Needs New Shoes - by metalbat13 on September 10th, 2018
Atlantic City owner/GM Milo Metalbat became the center of additional controversy this weekend when he was featured in the first of a new series of Nike ads. A gigantic electronic
billboard in Times Square portrayed a colorful image of the always off-beat adult entertainment magnate sniffing a pair of lightly-used Colin Kaepernick athletic shoes. Underneath Metalbat's picture was the caption, "Don't Ask If Your GM is Crazy, Ask If He's Crazy Enough!"
Nike stock immediately plummeted ten percent, while equity in MNM International (Milo's Nude Massages) and B&B Consolidated (Broadwalkers and Bookmakers) increased an average of three dollars per share.
Jul 14 2037: Bag Us Up and Ship Us Home - by metalbat13 on September 4th, 2018
Several weeks ago, Kroger, America's largest grocery store chain, announced that it would ban plastic bags at the checkout lanes in all its stores.
To accomplish this goal, the supermarket giant is liquidating its entire supply of surplus, non-environmentally-friendly sacks to disgruntled and frustrated Atlantic City fans.
"With the butt-ugly, first-half performance (34-46) by this year's squad, most season ticket holders have already begun wearing the lightweight, high-density polyethylene (HDPE) items to all home games!" stated team owner Milo Metalbat. "If we continue to play baseball like this, I may be tempted to force
our entire infield and starting pitching staff to don the bags without any airholes!"
Apr 14 2037: Milo Metalbat Refuses to Be Buffaloed - by metalbat13 on August 11th, 2018
The Broadwalkers weren't the only individuals who opened the 2037 season with an extended road trip. After ten "away" games, AC finally returned home to take on the first-place Lexington Colonels this afternoon. Also returning to the friendly confines of New Jersey was colorful owner/GM Milo Metalbat.
Milo had spent the last two weeks in a Jackson Hole (Wyoming) jail after drunkenly taunting and attempting to head-butt a 2000-pound adult male bison in Yellowstone National Park. The controversial massage parlor and adult entertainment magnate was arrested for "touching, frightening, and/or intentionally disturbing wildlife." Metalbat was released on Thursday after posting a $1 million bail and promising to return 13 pair of Air Jordan athletic shoes illegally purchased from a score of North Carolina football players.
Atlantic City management is now contemplating a special "One-Buck Bacardi and Buffalo Breath Bobblehead Night" during a future Eastern Division matchup . . .