Team: Anchorage Foxes [ID #305]
Anchorage, AK (Arctic)
[since October 30th 2016 | last seen December 15th 2017]
Rank: #354 - Rating: 89.81
Sep 18 2034: Jirō Ishida
Sep 18 2034: Denzel Byrd
Sep 18 2034: Torey Connelly
Sep 18 2034: Mitchell Pollard
Sep 18 2034: Roger Gill
Sep 18 2034: Steve Hammond
Sep 18 2034: Terry Harrington
Aug 25 2034: Wendell Reed
Aug 25 2034: Alex Villanueva
Aug 25 2034: Bo Kyung Park
Wins: 70 Losses: 84 Pct: .455 Last10: 6-4 Streak: W1
Ave: 5.5 - 6.0 RS: 847 RA: 926 DIFF: -79
[0 | Eliminated]
Apr 11 2034: Foxes Allow Perfect Game to show how meaningless and pointless the Cup system is
- by L1011Widebody on October 28th, 2017
If you are a loyal follower of the Foxes, you will note that recently, they put out the worst possible lineups that Team Owner L1011-Widebody
could think of, because he thinks the Cup games are dumb and interfere with the regular gameplay.
Those seeds bore fruit, when on April 9th, 2034,
the Anchorage Foxes tanked so hard they intentionally gave away a perfect game to the Jefferson Bulls http://brokenbat.org/team/367
The strategy of putting out the worst possible players because Cup games are stupid and pointless, could not have paid off more heavily for team owner L-1011Widebody
. "If we play bad enough, we'll finish dead last," he was quoted to say. "I mean, if the Arizona Coyotes can do it in reality, we should be able to out-fox them and do the same, right?"
"I don't really know what to say," winning pitcher for Jefferson, Joaquín Rosario, said. "I mean, it was kind of like batting practice or something. It was obvious those players were not at all interested in this game, so I just threw whatever."
The Foxes swung at whatever they liked. "I mean, I didn't even leave the batter's box when I popped up to short in the top of the third. I was like, 'hey, look, up in the sky, it's a Byrd, it's a plane!" Byrd's quote was incomplete, as a team of lawyers rapidly descended upon him before he could violate any copyright laws.
"I think I may have been something of a distraction for his at-bat, really," Future Hall of Famer Dustin Panucci said. "I mean, I didn't know I was supposed to be batting yet. I was making a sammich, you know, Panucci's Bakery has a great sound to it." Dustin was quite enthusiastic about his sandwich artistry. "When coach said it was time to let us on the field to bat, I thought, hey, lettuce, that is a great addition to a sandwich. Has anyone thought of that before?"
Dustin Panucci then walked up to the plate, holding a sammich in hand, which caused quite the confusion on the opposing team's side. Even Jeffersonville Bull's player Corey 'The Chosen One' Hamm, the likeable and really quite good player was unable to come to a solution. Eventually, the Foxes batting coach, Enrico Palazzo, came to the rescue.
"Surely you would have better luck swinging a bat, instead of a sammich?" Palazzo said, offering Dustin a bat.
This seemed to placate Dustin. "Okay. I'll have Hamm on the fly with this stick."
He then struck out.
The lone run on the board was scored dutifully in the first inning, and from then on it didn't seem like either team really wanted to give a damn.
"They didn't really seem like they were trying very hard either, eh," Canadian manager of the Foxes, Ryan Mills was as polite as ever. "It was just kinda fun to see the kids out there, dontch'a know. Let them play around and such," he said. "I mean, Tuck out there at short-stop, he was kind enough to hold my double-double when I had a bit of a disagreement with the umpire on a call. He's a good kid, eh."
When it was pointed out that this entire project required re-arranging and disrupting the entire Anchorage farm team system, repeatedly, Team Owner L-1011Widebody was not that disturbed.
"Farm system? I'm not sure that's a concern, I mean, I don't know how to operate the farms we do have. Have you ever seen a fox work a farm? We don't, we don't know how to. I don't know a farm team works, do they raise chickens? I would like some chicken right now," L-1011Widebody said, while eating some tasty fried chicken from the colonel.
"I am just pleased to see the game responds to my tactics, even if they are unusual," L-1011Widebody said, ushering the reporter out the door who is writing anyway? "Some people say I am crazy. Crazy like a... what's that four-legged predator animal, runs around, steals chickens... nevermind. Anyway, you kids get off my lawn," he said, slamming the door in my face.
It peeked open just a touch moments later. "And don't call me Shirley," he said, referencing a really overlong punchline that how could he have even heard it anyway...
Mar 23 2034: Foxes Put Out Worst Possible Lineup For Cup Games
- by L1011Widebody on October 23rd, 2017
In a stunning display of disregard for baseballity, team owner of the Anchorage Foxes L1011Widebody
produced not only lineups that included multiple minor league prospects, as well as some hasbeens, but some from leagues otherwise-unheard of, like the Virginia Unified League of Professional Independent National Enterprise.
When asked for comment on the purpose of playing Cup games, Team Owner L1011-Widebody said, "I really don't get the point of it. It sort of annoys me. Games that are not played for any reason? So may as well let the kits play, or something."
Manager Ryan Mills was as average as he is Canadian. "Well I say let the kids play, eh, they're not gonna hurt anyone. I hope. That'd be just awful. When does hockey season start?" he asked, sipping from a Double-Double.
There are rumours that the Foxes might move to Miami. Former team owner Rachel Vulps was heard to say, "I haven't even heard of half these guys. This guy here is dead!" She was told to cross him off the list, then.
Nov 04 2032: Foxes Mighty Pissed Off About MVP Award
- by L1011Widebody on July 21st, 2017
In yet another overt display of anti-vulpinism, the Foxes watched in astonishment as the MVP award was handed to Durham Bulls' player Frederic Schulz. The Fox Faithful believe the MVP award should have been rightly given to the Foxes' own Leroy Kaplan, who had a stellar season.
While Schulz lead over Kaplan in hits, RBIs, on-base percentage, and batting average, Kaplan was more productive. Kaplan hit far more doubles and home runs, and outpaced Schulz by a whopping 0.070 in slugging percentage. Kaplan even earned more player of the game awards than Schulz.
"I just don't get it," Kaplan said, looking at the empty place in his trophy case. "There must be some kind of anti-fox bias in the system. I mean, look at how badly we were beaten in the playoffs. Surely this team deserves better than to be stomped all over by everyone else in the post-season."
'Captain' Ryan Mills, the Foxes Canadian manager, was gracious as always. "I think the Schulz kid had a great year, sure. Would I want him on my team? Absolutely. Would I trade him for Kaplan? Possibly. He does have more stolen bases, and the word from above is that we need to steal more bases. I think he had a great year, and don't call me Shirley."
Pitching coach Rufus Vulpes was less kind. "We was ripped off, is what it was. I bet they gave it to the other guy just 'cuz we already had a trophy for Charlie D'. This happens every year, us Foxes don't get no respect in the post-season. I'm real happy for Cha Cha, he got us our only win in Foxes post-season history. I'm proud of my staff, they go out to the mound, they do a fine job."
"I tried bribery, I tried blackmail, I tried swindling, I tried kickbacks, what does it take to get a friggin' championship trophy for the Foxes, huh?" Team owner L-1011 Widebody said, while stealing the trophy from the Durham Bulls locker room. "Do I have to steal a trophy just so I can get some hardware? Why can't Foxes have nice things?"
L-1011 Widebody was later arrested on charges of thievery, sneakiness, possession of stolen goods, dishonesty, doing a barrel roll, and for 374 unpaid parking tickets. Team manager Mills said he hoped that L-1011 Widebody would be released on bond before the start of the next season, but said that if he wasn't, that was okay too, eh.
There was at least one positive statement from the team. When Anchorage Foxes batting coach Wilhelm Klink was asked who deserved the MVP award, he responded with a hearty, "SCHUUUUUUUUUULZZZZZ!!!"
Nov 01 2032: Another Disappointing Post-Season for the Foxes
- by L1011Widebody on July 19th, 2017
Once more, the Foxes fought and clawed their way to the top of the West Division.
Once again, the Foxes failed to complete their pounce, and wound up up-ended with their legs and tails in the air.
"I just don't understand it," team owner L-1011 Widebody said. "We build this great, lean, efficient team that gets things done, we scrape and scratch for every run. Charlie D'Alessandro is pitching at a rate that should be illegal. And we always fumble it away in the playoffs. Is this because I'm a Detroit Tigers fan?"
Newly acquired team manager 'Captain' Ryan Mills, who replaced outgoing manager 'Captain' Jeffrey Mackay, was more diplomatic, as befitting his Canadian heritage. "We might just be too polite to the other team in the finals. I think it's just super to see the best of the best playing each other, and we may be a bit lenient with inviting them to score on us, eh."
The only bright spot of the playoff series was the very first post-season win ever for the Foxes, lead by Charlie 'Cha Cha' D'Alessandro. It would be fitting that the Cy Young candidate should etch his name into the history books as the first winning pitcher for the Foxes in the post-season.
"It was great," Charlie said. "I went up to the mound and it was like we were an actual baseball team, with uniforms and everything. Theo put in a great pickup performance for the save. I don't know what happened to the other guys in the other games. Maybe they got caught in a snare or something."
Charlie D'Alessandro had yet another stellar season, going 23-5, with an ERA of 3.35 and 214 strikeouts. At 26 years old, there is nowhere for him to go but up. "I plan to put another story on my house, to put all the trophies and player of the game awards I expect to win," Charlie said modestly.
"It just really sucks that we can't seem to get it done in the playoffs," team owner L-1011 Widebody said, while handing out bumper stickers labelled Charlie D'Alessandro for President 2036. "We are like the Buffalo Bills or something."
When asked to elaborate upon what that something was, team owner L-1011 Widebody had no comment.
Jun 10 2031: Foxes Pounce on Demons in 24-3 Blowout
- by L1011Widebody on March 27th, 2017
The Fox Den may not host a football team, but those who saw last Wednesday’s final score wouldn’t have known it.
Before a raucous crowd of 21,660, the Anchorage Foxes walloped the visiting last-place Palm Desert Demons, 24-3. The Anchorage Dome was rocking as the Foxes tallied runs in all but one inning, garnering 28 hits as they took batting practice against a quartet of desperate Demon pitchers.
The Foxes’ box score boasted some very impressive numbers. Every starting player notched at least two hits, and Ken Harrington came off the bench to go 1-for-2. DeJuan Harris finished with three doubles, despite only getting two RBIs, while Bo Kyung “Special K” Park led the prolific Anchorage offense with six RBIs. Lead-off man Jose Luis Velez was right behind him with five, making a fantastic show as befitting his nickname of “Zorro.”
The scoring opened immediately, as the Foxes put up three runs in the first inning. Park got the first of his six RBIs by doubling home Saito, although Benedict was thrown out attempting to score. Harris doubled as well, bringing home Park and Kaplan.
In the next inning, first baseman Jiro Ishida led off with a double, and was promptly brought home with a 387-foot home run to the right-field stands by “Cowboy” Kurt Conte. Reliable two-time All-Star Eddie “Boom-Boom” Saito got to first with a drooping liner to center, and was cashed in by the first of Park’s two home runs.
After the Foxes broke out to a 7-0 lead, Palm Desert slugger Emiliano Barrios responded for the Demons with a 404-foot shot to left field in the top of the third. But the Foxes weren’t done yet. Velez hit a three-run double with the bases loaded, and then, after a single by Brad Benedict, was also brought home by the second of Park’s home runs.
Ishida doubled off reliever Bernardo Abreu in the bottom of the fourth, scoring Harris and giving the Foxes a 14-1 lead. Abreu was lit up in his second inning, as designated hitter Leroy Kaplan brought home Benedict and Park with a 345-foot home run that barely cleared the left-field fence.
The Demons brought the youngster Edgar De La Cruz in from the bullpen, and the Foxes immediately pounced upon him, with Harris hitting his third double of the day. Wesley Williamson followed up with the same, scoring Harris, and a single from Konte brought Williamson home to score. Velez then cleared the bases with a two-run homer down the right-field line, giving the Foxes their “third touchdown” and a lead of 21-1.
The Foxes finished off the scoring with two more runs in the seventh, courtesy of a pair of RBI singles from Saito and Benedict. They scored their final run in the eighth, when Kaplan doubled and then scored from second on a single by Williamson.
The Demons put up a single run in the seventh on a double by George Yokoyama, and their final offensive output came in the ninth when veteran slugger Justin Stanley homered to right.
Anchorage starter Shane Woodruff went the distance, throwing 116 pitches, with four strikeouts and three walks. Two of his three earned runs were scored on home runs, taking his ERA to a modest 3.66 and his record to a respectable 4-5.
The Foxes ripped Palm Desert starting pitcher Ray Conte for 13 earned runs on 79 pitches, bringing his ERA to a dismal 7.94. He allowed three home runs. The Detroit native was saddled with the loss, his fifth of the season, despite only allowing one walk in three innings pitched.
Bernardo Abreu struck out one and allowed four earned runs in 1 1/3 innings, with Edgar De La Cruz carrying the bulk of the relief. De La Cruz gave up 10 hits on seven earned runs with two walks, while striking out four. His ERA ballooned to 7.31. Crespin Meza pitched only to Eddie Saito, for the Foxes’ final out.
“It was a hell of a performance,” Anchorage manager Jeffrey Mackay said. “I knew my boys had it in them, but still, it’s great to see them light up the scoreboard like that.”
The Canadian also remarked that he was pleased with his tenure so far in Anchorage, having managed the Foxes for the past three seasons. He quickly scurried off to join in the traditional round of Molsons whenever the Foxes won.
Team owner L1011Widebody was somewhat less enthusiastic.
“I like to see us run up the score,” he said. “But I hope the guys have some more offense left for the rest of the season. We’re fighting hard to keep pace with Twin Falls, and I don’t want my kids feeling complacent.”
Anchorage has been trading places with the Twin Falls Pioneers over the past month, and the Foxes are currently two games behind the Western Division leaders. With the Pocatello Raiders and Salt Lake City Stallions right on their heels, owner L1011Widebody expects perfection from his players.
“We’ve gotta go out there and be tough, be thorough, take everything you can, make runs. They're not stealing enough,” L1011Widebody said. “They need to steal more bases! Steal like foxes!”
The Anchorage Foxes are currently second in the league in team stolen bases, trailing league-leading Twin Falls, 91 to 79. When asked about recent rumors that he was going to replace the players with “robot motorcycles,” L1011Widebody had no comment.